September - Jokes to Fall For!
A Haircut!
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and
says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks
his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The
barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours."
The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and
asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the
shop and says, "About an hour and a half."
The guy leaves.
The barber
who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says,
"Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes." A little while later, Bill
comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill,
where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and
says, "Your house."
Canada eh?
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God
went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting
on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a
deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and
said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it.
I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place of great balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to
different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of
great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the
Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent
of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued,
pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while
this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by
Gods work, then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and asked,
"What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on
Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite
coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and
humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be
extremely sociable, hard working and highachieving, and they will be known
throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give
them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and
feared by all who come across them."
Michael gasped in wonder and
admiration but then proclaimed; "What about balance, God? You said there will
be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the egotistical
loud-mouths I'm putting next to them...."
Job Quiz
A company was looking to hire someone for an
important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their
search down to three people from different parts of the country. In an attempt
to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer
within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job. T
he
question was: " A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her
side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the
woman's back. What is the man's name?"
After the 24 hours was up, the three
were brought in to give their answers.
The first from Vancouver, says "My
answer is, there IS no answer."
The second, from Toronto, says "My answer
is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were
given."
The third one from Newfoundland says "I'm not exactly sure, but I
have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: 'Willie Turner' or 'Willie
Nailer'." The Newfoundlander got the job.
Condoms
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand
of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he
announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?", she
blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors", he replies,
"Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What color are you going to wear tonight?", she
asks cheekily.
"Gold of course", says the man proudly.
The wife
responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a
change!".
The Sermon
It was Saturday night and the preacher still
hadn't been able to think of a sermon for the next morning. About 9:00 p.m. he
finally said to his wife, "Dear, I think I've come up with the perfect sermon!
I'm going to give a sermon about horseback riding!"
She said, "Don't be
silly! You can't give a sermon about horseback riding!"
He replied, "Well,
it's going to have to do because I've preached on just about every other
subject I can think of."
The next morning as they were driving to church,
she said, "I can't believe that you're insisting on doing this! You know, If
you're going to give that silly sermon on horseback riding, I'm just going to
stay in the car during the service."
He said, "OK, then, suit yourself!",
so she stayed in the car. Entering church before the service, the preacher had
a sudden inspiration and gave a hell-fire and brimstone sermon on SEX that just
had the congregation in awe.
As the congregation filed out of the church,
some of the members saw his wife sitting in the car and approached her window.
One of them said, "Wow! you just missed the best sermon your husband has EVER
given!"
She said, "Yeah, right! What does he know about it! He talks big
but he's only tried it twice in his life! "Once before we were married and once
after, and he fell off both times!"
An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to
report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel,
the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said,
"Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer
radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house
together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and
pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92
year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on
wood."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see
who's at the door."
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were
playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No,"the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chime
in,"So am I. Let's have a beer."
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car
- both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they
came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more
minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again,
they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that
the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She
was getting nervous . At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red
and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said,
"Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You
could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I
driving?"
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway,
his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one
car. It's hundreds of them!"
