March - Jokes to Spring to!
Yet another blonde joke!
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN AMANDA, IN
ECONOMY CLASS, GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN. THE
FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELL
AMANDA THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE
BACK.
AMANDA REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND
I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND
TELLS THE PILOT AND THE COPILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST
CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE COPILOT
GOES BACK TO AMANDA AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY
SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
AMANDA REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE,
I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE
COPILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN
THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT
SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I
SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO AMANDA AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE
SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND COPILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASK HIM WHAT HE SAID TO
MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
"I TOLD HER, FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO
HOUSTON ."
My Dad Is Gay ... well, not really ...
Little David was in his 5th grade class when the
teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical
answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc. David was being
uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
'My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in
front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he'll go out to the
alley with some guy and make love with him for money.'
The teacher,
obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on
some colouring, and took little David aside to ask him,
'Is that really
true about your father?'
'No,' said David, 'He plays for the Montreal
Canadians but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.'
Four-Letter Words
A young couple got married and left on their
honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well,
how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the
honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But,
mama, as soon as we returned, Stan started using the most horrible language.
He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful four-letter
words. You've got to come get me and take me home. Please mama!"
"Frannie,
Frannie," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What
four-letter words has he been using?"
"Please don't make me tell you,
mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed. They're just too awful! You've
got to come get me and take me home. Please mama."
"Darling, baby, you must
tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter
words."
Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, Mama, words like dust, wash,
iron, and cook"!
A MAN WHO KNOWS HIS MATH
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a
female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to
drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver
enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.
'Man, that guy is stupid,' I thought to myself.
I ALWAYS smile nicely
and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic,
and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96
miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to bumper Most of the
bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet
for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I
pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like
36,000 cars that I pass every day.
Statistically, females drive half of
these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in
28 has PMS.
That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their
love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That's 449.
According to the
National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered
suicide or homicide.
That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest
problem.
That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of
all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that
EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life,
thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or
homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger?
I don't think so.
WELCOME TO New Brunswick
WELCOME TO New Brunswick 'Yours to discover' where
every highway eventually narrows to a single lane . .. . . or is DETOURED
WE have (2) seasons- winter & construction
Our Provincial Animal The
Barrier Horse
Our Provincial Historical Marker Caution Men working
Sign
Provincial Mineral : Ashphalt
Provincial Flag & Statue Traffic
Flag man
Provincial Motto Single lane next 100 miles be prepared to
stop!
Provincial Joke Men Working Sign!
The Night of April 1st
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 71 years old.
Defence Attorney: Will you tell us,
in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring
evening, When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside
me.
Defence Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he
sure was friendly.
Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defence Attorney: Did you
stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defence Attorney: Why
not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert
died some 30 years ago.
Defence Attorney: What happened next?
Little
Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defence Attorney: Did you stop him
then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defence Attorney: Why
not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I
haven't felt that good in years!
Defence Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid
down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defence Attorney: Did
he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' and
ran off .
And that's when I shot him ............ the little
bastard.
Hardware!
Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed
a new hinge, so he sent his Wife Marge to Home Depot.
At Home Depot, Marge
saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to
finish waiting on a customer. When Walt was finished, Mary asked "How much for
that faucet?"
Walt replied, "That's pewter and it costs $300."
"My
goodness that sure is a lot of money!"Marge exclaimed. Then she proceeded To
describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the Back
room to find it.
From the back room Walt yelled, "Marge, you wanna screw
for that hinge?"
Mary replied, "No, but I will for the faucet."
This is
why you can't send a woman to Home Depot!
Bubba Had Shingles
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's
office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians
are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to
Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him
what he had.
Bubba said: 'Shingles.'
So she wrote down his name,
address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes
later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said,
'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history
and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse
came in and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So the nurse
gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told
Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later
the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked
Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.'
The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
A young boy went up to his father and asked him,
"Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The
father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would
sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." Then ask your sister if she would
sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. And then ask your brother if he'd
sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you
learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep
with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I
would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to
a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you
sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God!
I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?! "
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how
much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few
days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the
difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes...
potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars... but
realistically, we're living with two tramps and a queer."
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
"Yes?"
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor
Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's
biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well,
and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are
either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one Mr. Ward tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one was
positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."
"That's
dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Ward.
"Normally,
yes, but Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend
that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his
way home, don't sleep with him."
